h

The videogame industry is built testosterone. This is why there are so many driving games on the market, so many shooters - and so many fighters. Examples of popular fighters include Tekken, Soul Calibur, and of course that beat-em-up pioneer, Street Fighter. Street Fighter. What a game. What an experience. As a kid, I fell in love with Ryu and Ken in their ripped up kimonos, wanted to be like them, wanted to have them. But most of all, I wanted to make them go to the ground, pinning each other down, choking each other out, making each other tap, and tap hard.

But I couldn’t. They wouldn’t. The game designers weren’t interested in making a grappling simulation. Nobody was. All fight games, with the exception of some laughable pro wrestling efforts, stayed standing. The only moves you could pull off were punches, kicks, and the occasional fireball.

I can’t begin to tell you how much this frustrated me. Why were there no grappling games? How come none of the so-called ‘expert’ martial artists depicted in these products could execute a simple pin? What was wrong with them? Did they all suffer from some kind of chronic bone disease? Would the act of getting to their knees dislocate their vertebrae?

And then I got it; the penny dropped. There were no ground based fighting games because ground based fighting games would be perceived as gay. I soon realized that this was a situation which stood no chance of rectification; BJJ and judo would never feature in a videogame. Never.

Years passed. I pursued my interest in real-world grappling with a vengeance. And it was good - hell, it was great. Mounting a strong, attractive, skillful opponent, then tying him up so tightly that he couldn’t even tap as I sent him to sleep - that was way cooler than any videogame. After a while, I forgot about my console obsession altogether. I forgot about the fighters. I forgot about my frustration. I stopped being mad; got on with the serious business of having fun.

And then Mike Sanders sent me a Dreamcast with a copy of Ultimate Fighting Championship in the mail. Within minutes, I was a kid again. A very horny, happy kid. UFC is, without question, the most relentlessly homoerotic videogame I’ve ever played. Based on the mixed martial arts, no-holds-barred event of the same name, it features competitors from many different grappling styles; submission wrestling, sumo, pit fighting and kickboxing are all represented. But the one that stands out is Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

Let me say that again: Brazilian jiu-jitsu, the world's most sensual, most sexual, most homoerotic sport. In a videogame.

But - is it any good?

Yes! It’s amazing. It’s incredible. It’s totally realistic. It’s utterly erotic. If you don’t get a massive boner whilst playing this game - especially considering it’s vibration pack compatible - then somethin’ just ain’t right down there. I played with it for six hours straight (no sniggering from you guys at the back), and I’ll be totally honest with you here - a buddy of mine dropped by for a private grappling match later that night and, when I finally came, I experienced a whole-body orgasm for the very first time.

Thank you, Ultimate Fighting Championship, for giving me the best sex I’ve ever had. Period.

The main reason UFC is so damn hot stems from its faultless attention to detail. Let’s start with the gis. There are four types to choose from, but the two best options are both in white - one plain, the other complete with authentic kimono patches. These patches include a sun sign on the right-hand side of the jacket, a large ‘jiu-jitsu’ text on the left, an ‘Octagon spider’ motif on the right-hand sleeve, plus an advert for software publishers Crave Entertainment on the back, topped by the American, Brazilian, and Japanese flags. The pants feature an ‘Anchor Brazil’ logo on the right leg, and both ‘Oreno jiu-jitsu’ and ‘Tapout’ logos on the left. And check this - they even have drawstrings!

d

Then there’s the guy himself: BJJ guy, or ‘CyberStud’ as I named him. And a stud is exactly what he is - all 180 pounds and 5’10” of him. He’s clearly based on grappling god Royce Gracie, complete with smooth, tanned skin, a moody expression, and perpetual five o'clock shadow. And he’s not just a pretty face - he’s got all the moves going on, too. This is because Crave Entertainment utilized cutting edge technology to motion capture the techniques of actual BJJers, recording the way they moved and then using that data to create breathtakingly lifelike fighters. I’ll tell you this for nothing: it worked, big time. CyberStud is about as near to the real thing as it’s possible to be, and then some.

He can mount his opponents - face-to-face and from behind; he can pull them into his guard, and pass theirs when they try it on; he can tap them out with straight and entangled armlocks; he can submit them with rear, front, and triangle chokes. The more you practice with him, the better he becomes. In short, he’s perfect.

All of which leads me neatly on to the Crave’s final, master stroke in bringing polygons to life: sound.

Grunts and groans, cries and moans - these are a few of Crave’s favorite things, judging by the horny, sexual soundbites which accompany CyberStud’s every move. And then there’s all the incidental noises: the ‘whoosh’ of air and moving feet as he tries to take his rival down, the thud of their bodies as they roll across the canvas. It’s nothing short of an aural orgasm, and has to be - uh - heard to be believed.

But I’m still not done already, because I haven’t told you about the best part yet. And what’s the best part? The best part is that CyberStud can be cloned.

And then made to fight against himself.

Let me explain. Ultimate Fighting Championship features a Training mode - an option which allows you to take control of CyberStud number one, with the computer stepping into the gi of CyberStud number two. This is how I spent the bulk of my gaming time during that six hour marathon, and it was worth it, totally worth it.

It was also, probably, one of the most voyeuristic activities I ever had the good fortune to take part in; no words can describe the rush I felt watching these virtual hunks take turns at being top and bottom, the guy in control seeming to climax every time he worked a successful choke, the dude underneath tapping out in that panicky way all guys do just before the lights get dim. But CyberStud doesn't care about panic - not even that of his twin. He just cares about winning. He just cares about submission. He just cares about coming while his opponent blacks out. I know exactly how he feels.

k

So there you have it - UFC, available for both Playstation and Xbox consoles, as well as the now outdated Dreamcast I reviewed it on, is planet Earth’s first gay BJJ simulation. And it isn't the last, either: UFC Tapout 2 and Pride FC (a rival offering from THQ) are already in stores, with many more similar titles scheduled for imminent release.

For years now, straight guys have had icons like Tomb Raider’s Lara Croft to satisfy their appetite for sexually appealing games characters. Finally, gay guys have a similar hero, and what’d’ya know, it just so happens that he trains Brazilian jiu-jitsu. All of a sudden, Ryu and Ken don’t look so hot no more.

Ryu and Ken can’t nail you from the mount.

Web Links:

UFC Tapout 2: Official Site (Opens in a separate window.)

Pride FC Videogame: Official Site (Opens in a separate window.)

MatBattle.com Movie Theater: See the CyberStuds in Action!

Author Info:

E-mail Tom

Read Tom's Biography

Think you have what it takes to write for MatBattle.com? Click here to join our team!