But there’s a problem here, and it’s a big one: My coach isn’t gay. He’s not even bi-curious. In fact, he’s got a beautiful wife and two young kids, all of whom come along to class pretty often. So I guess you can see that I’m caught in a jam here: On the one hand, all I ever think about is my instructor, all I want to do is get jiggy with him, but at the same time I know that this can’t ever happen because he isn’t gay.

What makes the whole sorry predicament even worse is that I seem to be pretty much his favorite student. I’d like to say that this is because he’s secretly attracted to me, but of course I know that this is not the case. I think that it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m a pretty good guy (I hope!) and easy to get along with, and also because I happen to be more or less the same height, weight and build as him. This makes me an obvious choice when it comes to picking someone to demonstrate techniques on, I guess, and also for sparring, but it certainly doesn’t make it any easier for me to forget about my feelings for this guy.

As you already know, BJJ is probably the most intimate contact sport there is, and it’s gotten so that I’ve started to wear a hard cup and two pairs of shorts under my gi pants because I become aroused every single time I go training, and the last thing I’d want is for him or anyone else to find out about my hidden crush.

Lately the situation just seems to be getting worse and worse; now that I’m becoming more proficient on the ground, my instructor is really upping the ante when we roll. The contact between us as we grapple is a lot more intense these past few months, a lot more intimate. He gropes my crotch quite a bit (another reason why I had to invest in the extra protection) and uses the mount a whole lot more often than he did in the beginning. And when he catches me in the north-south position, he tends to cover my face with his groin now, when before he used to just lay his hips to one side of my head so I could breathe. I suppose he feels more comfortable doing all that stuff now that we’ve gotten to know each other so well. But as I’ve said, this only drives me crazier with—well, not to put too fine a point on it—lust.

The really terrible thing is that, as time goes by, I’m finding my sexual instincts are taking more control over my actions than my conscious mind is. A few times now I’ve copped a feel of his balls and stuff (he doesn’t wear a cup, or even underwear, and is—you guessed it, hung like a horse) when I managed to catch him in side mount, and sometimes I just let him hold me in the mount position for a really long time because I enjoy the feeling of him on top of me so much. I’ve even let him choke me out once or twice by not tapping—it's a pretty erotic experience.

I could tell you some seriously hot stories about what happens when we spar no-gi, but I think you get the gist of it by now.

The last part of my confession relates to what I’m like when we’re in the changing area. Obviously I can’t ever get into the showers with him and the other guys because they would instantly see what was up, if you know what I mean. But I always take my time getting changed out of my gi, mainly so that I can watch him shuck off that heavy jacket and pants and see him in all his glory, totally naked. The sight of him is beyond words, beyond comprehension almost, at least for me. That’s when I feel the most frustration of all—knowing that he’s so close, that all I would have to do is reach out and touch him, taste him, pleasure him, but knowing also that this is such a dangerous, destructive impulse, one that can never come true, no matter how hard I wish for it.

There’s not much else for me tell you. I don’t know if there’s anything you can do for me; I certainly haven’t been able to think of anything in the two years I’ve been in love with this guy. There aren’t any other gay guys at my club who could help take my mind off this beautiful man and, even though I experience an incredible amount of sexual tension every time I get close to him (tension I usually have to release in the shower when I get home), I feel that it is better than nothing at all. But is it? Should I just leave my club and go someplace else? Should I tell my BJJ coach that I love him? Should I just shut up and enjoy what I’ve got? I’m really counting on your help here!

Aaron's Answer to Your Problem: Don't Rock the Boat—Enjoy What You've Got!

It’s weird—viewed from a certain angle, it’s almost as if your problem were a blessing. Your instructor is a stud. His favorite student is you. You spend the majority of your classes in closer proximity to him than anyone but his wife. He thinks nothing of groping your groin, mounting you for several minutes at a time, covering your face with his crotch, sparring with you no-gi, and getting naked with you standing right there in front of him. For some people, this would be their idea of heaven on earth!

The real difficulty, of course, is the non-reciprocation of your sexual feelings towards him—a state of affairs which, as you quite rightly point out, has little chance of ever changing. The man is straight. The man is married. The man has two children. The man is out of bounds. It's a difficult thing to accept, to acknowledge, but such is life.

Next point: two years is a long time to harbor a crush on someone, even someone as apparently perfect as your BJJ coach. I can’t help wondering why you haven’t met anyone else during this period; your self description seems to indicate that you closely resemble the object of your affections—certainly physically and, judging by the tone of your message, also emotionally and intellectually. So how come you haven’t been snapped up yet? Are all the hot guys in your neighborhood blind? Or is it you that has become blind to them?

Let’s examine the options you outlined at the end of your letter to me. The first one you mentioned was, ‘Should I just leave my club and go someplace else?’

The answer to this is, ‘No, no you should not.’ You like your club; your club likes you—why give up on a good thing? If all else fails, if you think you just can’t stand to exist in this lustful limbo you’re currently caught in, even after you've attempted to follow through on the advice I'm about to dispense, then perhaps you might consider it. But not yet. Not right now. Wait and see.

Your second question was, ‘Should I tell my coach how I feel about him?’ Once again, I must respond to this query with an emphatic, ‘No!’ There is no circumstance under which telling him would improve your rapport; in fact, it would almost certainly destroy it beyond repair. If he is at all homophobic, then you will never spar with him again—an extremely negative result. If he’s not homophobic, and regards your feelings for him as flattering, he will still ensure that you no longer grapple together, out of a strong desire not to ‘encourage’ your erotic fantasies. Either way, the close-contact rolling will end. And so we come to option number three, ‘Should I just shut up and enjoy what I’ve got?’ This is the one course of action which I can happily meet with a resounding, ‘Yes!’—but only on the condition that you adhere to some special suggestions of mine.

Firstly, it’s very important that you seek out a boyfriend. I’ve already referred to the strange absence of men in your life for the past two years, and it’s with this in mind that I urge you to make a conscious decision to go cruising. You cannot have sex with your instructor—it would be wrong in any case, considering his responsibilities as a family man—but there are many, many guys out there who would just love to make love with a dude of your considerable physical prowess, mental capacity, and emotional depth. Now all you have to do is get out there and find them!

If you like, check out some other BJJ clubs for talent, but promise me that you’ll also search in all the regular places—bars, nightclubs, the mall, the movies, even the personal ads section in your local newspaper. And to paraphrase an old musical number, ‘Once you have found him, never let him go’...

When you’re finally in a committed relationship, replete with the fruits of frequent sex and genuine love, you’ll soon discover that your insatiable urge to do the bad thing with your coach dies down to far more manageable proportions. And if you still get turned on when he manhandles you around the mat, enjoy it—there’s no law against window shopping!