Aaron: Gay Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Problem Page
You have to understand that we were right in the middle of puberty
then—the time of your life when even the sight of a melon can get
you masturbating! The intense physical contact involved in grappling
made us both extremely horny every time we hit the mat and, with no
outlet to release our sexual feelings, we turned to each other to
help relieve the tension.
went into the lockerroom to clean up (this was not a problem
because neither of us was producing much semen at that time),
and talked about what had happened. Both of us were very happy
and excited about this new avenue of sexual satisfaction—it
had happened so naturally, and was so very enjoyable—and decided
that we would have to experiment with it more in the future.
We have been conducting those experiments ever since.
One of my favorite techniques is catch my brother in side control, with one arm securing his neck, and the other arm free so that my hand can slowly jack him off through the gi. And of course, now that we are older, we use a lot of submission holds like chokes and locks, which add a lot of variety to our matches. I really love it when he gets me in back mount, and submits me with a strangle while rubbing my sensitive areas with the soles of his feet. I can honestly say that Brazilian jiu-jitsu has made both our lives richer and more fulfilling than they ever would have been without it, and that it has also brought us much closer together as people.
Looking back on what I have written, it probably seems as if we dont actually need your help at all, that we have everything we could ever want. But this is not true. The main purpose of this e-mail is to see if you can answer one vital question: Is it okay for me to hump my brother, and get him off, and for him to do the same to me? Despite our love for BJJ and for the sexual release that we get from it when we practice, we are not attracted to each other. We have never kissed, or grappled in the nude, and certainly have never considered having intercourse, and although we do find some other guys (mainly BJJers) arousing, this is only a physical reaction, and not an emotional one. Our hearts belong to our respective girlfriends, and to women in general, and thats how it will stay.
The main concern that we have, now that were adults (pretty much) is that our girlfriends, family, or friends might uncover the real reason for our regular practice sessions in the garage, and might be shocked, or even disgusted. My brother also wonders if it will impact negatively on our sex lives. Neither of us has suffered any bad consequences so far—we enjoy regular heterosexual lovemaking, can masturbate without having to be in each others presence, and dont have any kind of weird obsessions about BJJ. At the same time, we know that this is a fairly uncommon situation for two brothers to be in.
a wrap, I guess. Both my brother and I want to say thank you for
creating this site, which is a fantastic forum for discussion on
a topic that few people are even aware of, let alone willing to
delve into. We look forward to seeing your response to this message
at some point in the future, and would be very grateful if you could
avoid printing our names or our location. Kudos!
If theres one thing that your story makes clear, its the unsurpassable psychological impact early childhood experiences can have on our development. Interestingly, that—uh—seminal moment you describe at the BJJ club harbors many parallels with the sexual awakening of our own Dan OConnell, whose autobiographical essay you can check out in the links below.
As for the present, there are a few things you need to examine when determining the feasibility of maintaining your current situation. From the details you have given me, and the overall tone of your message, you seem to be a couple of intelligent, well-adjusted individuals.
However, the intense relationship you have forged may be creating psychological stresses that could prove detrimental to your quality of life in the long run.
To begin with, the idea of being gay is clearly one that makes you uncomfortable, even though you derive tremendous gratification from your secret activities, and even find other men sexually arousing. I think you would probably feel a great sense of relief and freedom if you didnt attempt to label yourselves in this way. Rather than calling yourselves heterosexual, homosexual, or even bisexual, perhaps it might make more sense to simply think of yourselves as sexual, and just leave it at that until you discover a better definition. You indicate that you both find men attractive, but since you havent had sex with a guy yet, its impossible for you to state categorically where your preference lies. Besides, many people dont get a proper handle on their sexuality until theyre well into their twenties!
But what about the central question: To hump, or not to hump?
no denying it—you and your brother have enjoyed many years of
sexual fulfillment and satisfaction together. But youve grown
up now, and have girlfriends, and probably plan to marry and have
children at some point. If this is the case, then what kind of strain
would your relationship with each other put on such a future? Could
it be damaging? Could it result in dysfunction and, ultimately,
breakup of the family unit? Could it literally be too hot to handle?
The family is an insular entity, with Mom and Dad at the top of the pyramid, their children forming a solid base underneath, and everyone else staying firmly outside. So if married life is the way youre headed, it probably wouldnt be a good idea to continue your illicit practices in the garage.
nowadays, there are all kinds of different families—gay, straight,
and single-parent. But a quadrangle consisting of two brothers and
their respective wives is virtually unheard of—and for good reason.
Im wrong; maybe your girlfriends would be fine with
it. I dont think so, though, because you mention the
words shock and disgust when listing
their possible reactions on discovering the real reason for
your love of Brazilian jiu-jitsu. So my original advice still
stands: If you plan to become committed to these women, or
any women, for the foreseeable future, then you need to call
a halt to these mutual masturbation encounters.
even further, I would point out that this recommendation applies
to any committed relationship you plan to enter into, either
with a man or a woman. Gay guys can be just a focused on monogamy
as girls and, even if they arent, they may find it impossible
to accept the deal with you and your brother.
However, because of the nature of gay culture, you do have slightly more chance of finding a guy who wouldnt be fazed by it—and who might even want to join in sometime!
Of course, you could continue to hide your fetish for BJJ and each other from your loved ones, just as you do right now, and hope they never find out, but since trust is so important in any rapport, this is unlikely to be very beneficial. Id hazard a guess that, even though you havent referred to it, its probably already causing some trust issues in your relationships with your current girlfriends, which cant be good.
So heres the summary of all my advice: Stop worrying about labels, and consider quitting the jerk-off sessions if you want to maintain stable sexual and emotional connections with other people. Failure to do so could result in a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings—and none of us want that, right?