Aaron's
Answer to Your Problem: Call a Halt to Your Mutual Masturbation Encounters
 If
there’s one thing that your story makes clear, it’s
the unsurpassable psychological impact early childhood experiences
can have on our development. Interestingly, that—uh—seminal
moment you describe at the BJJ club harbors many parallels
with the sexual awakening of our own Dan O’Connell,
whose autobiographical essay you can check out in the links
below.
As for
the present, there are a few things you need to examine when
determining the feasibility of maintaining your current situation.
From the details you have given me, and the overall tone of
your message, you seem to be a couple of intelligent, well-adjusted
individuals.
However, the intense relationship you have forged may be creating
psychological stresses that could prove detrimental to your quality
of life in the long run.
To begin with,
the idea of being gay is clearly one that makes you uncomfortable,
even though you derive tremendous gratification from your secret
activities, and even find other men sexually arousing. I think you
would probably feel a great sense of relief and freedom if you didn’t
attempt to label yourselves in this way. Rather than calling yourselves
‘heterosexual’, ‘homosexual’, or even ‘bisexual’,
perhaps it might make more sense to simply think of yourselves as
‘sexual’, and just leave it at that until you discover a
better definition. You indicate that you both find men attractive,
but since you haven’t had sex with a guy yet, it’s impossible
for you to state categorically where your preference lies. Besides,
many people don’t get a proper handle on their sexuality until
they’re well into their twenties!
But what about
the central question: To hump, or not to hump?
There’s
no denying it—you and your brother have enjoyed many years of
sexual fulfillment and satisfaction together. But you’ve grown
up now, and have girlfriends, and probably plan to marry and have
children at some point. If this is the case, then what kind of strain
would your relationship with each other put on such a future? Could
it be damaging? Could it result in dysfunction and, ultimately,
breakup of the family unit? Could it literally be too hot to handle?
I suspect that you already know that the answer is ‘yes’;
that this is, in fact, exactly why you decided to write to me in the
first place. And your concern is well founded, because there are
very few women who would relish the thought of their husband or
boyfriend gaining sexual release from another person of the same
gender, and almost none who would feel happy knowing that the guy
in question was their partner’s own brother!
The family is
an insular entity, with Mom and Dad at the top of the pyramid, their
children forming a solid base underneath, and everyone else staying
firmly outside. So if married life is the way you’re headed,
it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to continue your illicit
practices in the garage.
Of course,
nowadays, there are all kinds of different families—gay, straight,
and single-parent. But a quadrangle consisting of two brothers and
their respective wives is virtually unheard of—and for good reason.
Maybe
I’m wrong; maybe your girlfriends would be fine with
it. I don’t think so, though, because you mention the
words ‘shock’ and ‘disgust’ when listing
their possible reactions on discovering the real reason for
your love of Brazilian jiu-jitsu. So my original advice still
stands: If you plan to become committed to these women, or
any women, for the foreseeable future, then you need to call
a halt to these mutual masturbation encounters.
To go
even further, I would point out that this recommendation applies
to any committed relationship you plan to enter into, either
with a man or a woman. Gay guys can be just a focused on monogamy
as girls and, even if they aren’t, they may find it impossible
to accept the deal with you and your brother.
However, because
of the nature of gay culture, you do have slightly more chance of
finding a guy who wouldn’t be fazed by it—and who might even
want to join in sometime!
Of course, you
could continue to hide your fetish for BJJ and each other from your
loved ones, just as you do right now, and hope they never find out,
but since trust is so important in any rapport, this is unlikely
to be very beneficial. I’d hazard a guess that, even though
you haven’t referred to it, it’s probably already causing
some trust issues in your relationships with your current girlfriends,
which can’t be good.
So here’s
the summary of all my advice: Stop worrying about labels, and consider
quitting the jerk-off sessions if you want to maintain stable sexual
and emotional connections with other people. Failure to do so could
result in a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings—and none
of us want that, right? |
My
brother and I have been practicing BJJ since we were kids.
We are both brown belts now, and are in our late teens. I
was amazed to discover this site because, until recently,
I thought we were the only guys to be aware of the sexual
side to Brazilian jiu-jitsu.
