Ask Aaron: Gay Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Problem Page
'Is It Okay for Me to Hump My Brother?'

My brother and I have been practicing BJJ since we were kids. We are both brown belts now, and are in our late teens. I was amazed to discover this site because, until recently, I thought we were the only guys to be aware of the sexual side to Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

My brother was intrigued by your column, and even though we are not gay, he felt it was the only place we could turn to for help with the issues we are trying to confront.

It was at a very early stage of our training that we first became aware of the erotic nature of the sport we had decided to enter into...

You have to understand that we were right in the middle of puberty thenthe time of your life when even the sight of a melon can get you masturbating! The intense physical contact involved in grappling made us both extremely horny every time we hit the mat and, with no outlet to release our sexual feelings, we turned to each other to help relieve the tension.

The first time we tried it was during class. I had just finished rolling with this guy, and he was very powerful, very dominating. Because it can be so dangerous for kids to practice chokes and armlocks on each other, we had to concentrate on the positions more. This one guy was very good at the mount, and he moved around a lot while he was pinning me which caused a whole lot of friction against my groin. By the time he had finished with me all I could think about was how much I needed to rub myself against someone else the way he just had rubbed himself against me.

We changed partners then, and I chose my brother because I knew that he was feeling exactly the same as me. Many times before we had gone home after class and then masturbated together, but this was the first time that I felt the need to climb on top of someone to give myself pleasure, to mount them and hug them close. Usually this would never cross my mind because it just seemed like a ridiculous thing to do when you’ve still got your pants on. But now I didn’t seem to care anymorethe feelings I was experiencing were just too strong.

So that was basically the way things were when I started to roll with my brother. I am one year older than him, and a little bit stronger, so I was able to overturn him and then tie him up in the mount. Straight away I started dry humping him, but slowly and carefully because I did not want anyone to notice what was going on. It's not unusual in BJJ for two guys to be locked in this kind of position for several minutes, so we did not draw attention to ourselves despite what I was doing.

I wrapped my arms tightly around my brother’s neck, and trapped his legs with both of mine. The pleasure that came flooding through me at this point was unbelievable, but it got even better when my brother started to buck his hips up against me. I could feel his erection pressing against my own as I pinned him down, and realized that the soft cotton heightened the sensations of pleasure in a way that I had not guessed was possible. Soon it was too much for me and I ejaculated in my gi. A few seconds later, he did too. It truly was an amazing experience for both of us.

We went into the lockerroom to clean up (this was not a problem because neither of us was producing much semen at that time), and talked about what had happened. Both of us were very happy and excited about this new avenue of sexual satisfactionit had happened so naturally, and was so very enjoyableand decided that we would have to experiment with it more in the future. We have been conducting those ‘experiments’ ever since.

Today, we are in highschool and doing well, and we both have beautiful girlfriends who we love very much. As I have said before, we are definitely not gay in orientation, even though some of the practices we engage in are homoerotic. That first, amazing double orgasm at BJJ class led to a lot more fooling around with each other (but only in our bedrooms, because we realized the potential dangers of being caught pleasuring each other in public). We converted our garage into a small training den with proper mats, which we still use to this day, and discovered how good it feels to grapple wearing nothing but gi pants.

One of my favorite techniques is catch my brother in side control, with one arm securing his neck, and the other arm free so that my hand can slowly jack him off through the gi. And of course, now that we are older, we use a lot of submission holds like chokes and locks, which add a lot of variety to our matches. I really love it when he gets me in back mount, and submits me with a strangle while rubbing my sensitive areas with the soles of his feet. I can honestly say that Brazilian jiu-jitsu has made both our lives richer and more fulfilling than they ever would have been without it, and that it has also brought us much closer together as people.

Looking back on what I have written, it probably seems as if we don’t actually need your help at all, that we have everything we could ever want. But this is not true. The main purpose of this e-mail is to see if you can answer one vital question: Is it okay for me to hump my brother, and get him off, and for him to do the same to me? Despite our love for BJJ and for the sexual release that we get from it when we practice, we are not attracted to each other. We have never kissed, or grappled in the nude, and certainly have never considered having intercourse, and although we do find some other guys (mainly BJJers) arousing, this is only a physical reaction, and not an emotional one. Our hearts belong to our respective girlfriends, and to women in general, and that’s how it will stay.

The main concern that we have, now that we’re adults (pretty much) is that our girlfriends, family, or friends might uncover the real reason for our regular practice sessions in the garage, and might be shocked, or even disgusted. My brother also wonders if it will impact negatively on our sex lives. Neither of us has suffered any bad consequences so farwe enjoy regular heterosexual lovemaking, can masturbate without having to be in each other’s presence, and don’t have any kind of weird obsessions about BJJ. At the same time, we know that this is a fairly uncommon situation for two brothers to be in.

So that’s a wrap, I guess. Both my brother and I want to say thank you for creating this site, which is a fantastic forum for discussion on a topic that few people are even aware of, let alone willing to delve into. We look forward to seeing your response to this message at some point in the future, and would be very grateful if you could avoid printing our names or our location. Kudos!


Aaron's Answer to Your Problem
: Call a Halt to Your Mutual Masturbation Encounters

If there’s one thing that your story makes clear, it’s the unsurpassable psychological impact early childhood experiences can have on our development. Interestingly, thatuhseminal moment you describe at the BJJ club harbors many parallels with the sexual awakening of our own Dan O’Connell, whose autobiographical essay you can check out in the links below.

As for the present, there are a few things you need to examine when determining the feasibility of maintaining your current situation. From the details you have given me, and the overall tone of your message, you seem to be a couple of intelligent, well-adjusted individuals.

However, the intense relationship you have forged may be creating psychological stresses that could prove detrimental to your quality of life in the long run.

To begin with, the idea of being gay is clearly one that makes you uncomfortable, even though you derive tremendous gratification from your secret activities, and even find other men sexually arousing. I think you would probably feel a great sense of relief and freedom if you didn’t attempt to label yourselves in this way. Rather than calling yourselves ‘heterosexual’, ‘homosexual’, or even ‘bisexual’, perhaps it might make more sense to simply think of yourselves as ‘sexual’, and just leave it at that until you discover a better definition. You indicate that you both find men attractive, but since you haven’t had sex with a guy yet, it’s impossible for you to state categorically where your preference lies. Besides, many people don’t get a proper handle on their sexuality until they’re well into their twenties!

But what about the central question: To hump, or not to hump?

There’s no denying ityou and your brother have enjoyed many years of sexual fulfillment and satisfaction together. But you’ve grown up now, and have girlfriends, and probably plan to marry and have children at some point. If this is the case, then what kind of strain would your relationship with each other put on such a future? Could it be damaging? Could it result in dysfunction and, ultimately, breakup of the family unit? Could it literally be too hot to handle?

I suspect that you already know that the answer is ‘yes’; that this is, in fact, exactly why you decided to write to me in the first place. And your concern is well founded, because there are very few women who would relish the thought of their husband or boyfriend gaining sexual release from another person of the same gender, and almost none who would feel happy knowing that the guy in question was their partner’s own brother!

The family is an insular entity, with Mom and Dad at the top of the pyramid, their children forming a solid base underneath, and everyone else staying firmly outside. So if married life is the way you’re headed, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to continue your illicit practices in the garage.

Of course, nowadays, there are all kinds of different familiesgay, straight, and single-parent. But a quadrangle consisting of two brothers and their respective wives is virtually unheard ofand for good reason.

Maybe I’m wrong; maybe your girlfriends would be fine with it. I don’t think so, though, because you mention the words ‘shock’ and ‘disgust’ when listing their possible reactions on discovering the real reason for your love of Brazilian jiu-jitsu. So my original advice still stands: If you plan to become committed to these women, or any women, for the foreseeable future, then you need to call a halt to these mutual masturbation encounters.

To go even further, I would point out that this recommendation applies to any committed relationship you plan to enter into, either with a man or a woman. Gay guys can be just a focused on monogamy as girls and, even if they aren’t, they may find it impossible to accept the deal with you and your brother.

However, because of the nature of gay culture, you do have slightly more chance of finding a guy who wouldn’t be fazed by itand who might even want to join in sometime!

Of course, you could continue to hide your fetish for BJJ and each other from your loved ones, just as you do right now, and hope they never find out, but since trust is so important in any rapport, this is unlikely to be very beneficial. I’d hazard a guess that, even though you haven’t referred to it, it’s probably already causing some trust issues in your relationships with your current girlfriends, which can’t be good.

So here’s the summary of all my advice: Stop worrying about labels, and consider quitting the jerk-off sessions if you want to maintain stable sexual and emotional connections with other people. Failure to do so could result in a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelingsand none of us want that, right?

Web Links:

MatBattle Article: BJJ—The New Gay Judo, by Dan O'Connell

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