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Add to this the words of Mike Sanders in a recent e-mail to one
of our correspondents:
'The way I did it was pretty much the way he (Aaron) advises; first
I told one guy who I was sure would be okay with it, and then someone
else, each time making sure that I picked my moment, and took care
to reassure them that I wasn't going to jump them in the showers
or anything.
'Not everyone
at my club knows, because not everyone is homophobia free, but those
that do are totally cool with it. I guess it's just a matter of
taking it slowly, thinking things out beforehand, and choosing guys
who you know have a little bit of common sense, and won't just run
off to inform the local branch of the KKK of your questionable activities...'
That basically sums up all the good advice I have with regard to this
particular dilemma: Be discreet, be careful, but don't be
so uptight that you miss the opportunity to share your true
nature with the kind of guy who takes such confidences in
his stride—assuming you can find one, that is!
You wanted to know if I (or any of the other MatBattle
crew members) are out, and I can tell you that, to a man,
we all are, each and every one of us.
In some cases (Mike, Dan, and I), it's only to a couple of trusted friends; in others (Tom and Marc), the whole dojo knows
that one of their number is fighting for the Other Team.
At the club
where I train here in Cape Town, South Africa, no one has
an issue with the fact that I'm a grappler and a homosexual—they
know better than to confuse my sexual orientation with my ability
to refrain from chatting them up in the middle of a hold-down. Of
course, I derive tremendous erotic pleasure from the sport—why
else would I be here?—but am discreet enough to do so at appropriate
times… and with consenting individuals.
[In the interests of full disclosure, I should point out that things weren't quite so rosy at my previous dojo; two guys there launched a homophobic campaign against me which culminated in whispered death threats and a failed attempt at outing me in front of a senior national coach. As a result, I left the club, which was a difficult thing to do at the time, but ultimately led to my finding a far more welcoming and inclusive place to be. I've been training here for five years now, and am pleased to report that—as I suspected—that unsettling incident of bigotry is in no way representative of the judo community as a whole. Judoka, it turns out, are far more more relaxed on the subject of gay identity than their BJJ kindred, for whom the notion of 'romo grapplers' is still a taboo that can often prove explosive.]
One of the most memorable lines in your message is, 'If I could
find a place where the two worlds (gayness and Brazilian jiu-jitsu)
really meet, I'd be off like a shot.' But the fact of the matter
is that you really don't need to go someplace else to be who you
are; the worlds will collide wherever you want them to, and there
will be no explosion, only acceptance, no implosion, only welcome.
All you have to do is take it slowly.
And start the process of revelation with but a single guy.
Just one.
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Excellent
column, and equally excellent site. Props to ya. I'm not writing
this asking for advice as much as I'm asking after the state
of things, I guess.
