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Aaron's
Answer to Your Problem: Your Mate Is Struggling With His Sexuality—It's Time for You to Take the Initiative
First
up, I want you to know how much I admire you for having the courage
to write me about your dilemma. I don’t think your letter was
mixed up at all—as a matter of fact, it painted a pretty precise
picture of what’s going on in your life. I also
want to make you aware of how much I empathize with your situation. It
must be frustrating to receive such ambiguous sexual signals
from a guy: One minute he’s hot, the next he’s cold, just
like that. What a bummer!
Based on all
the details you’ve given me, I reckon it’s pretty obvious
that this bloke digs you big-time; straight guys might engage in
one or two of the activities you mention, but not all of them, and
certainly not the last one.
Why then, does
he seem to switch off just when it’s about to get interesting?
My guess is
that your mate is struggling with his sexuality—maybe he’s
never felt this way about another guy before now. He might even
have a girlfriend who’s starting to wonder why he keeps blowing
her off in favor of his judo partner! Either way, he’s almost
certainly feeling every bit as confused as you; his body is telling
him one thing, and his brain another, and he hasn’t quite decided
which side he should listen to yet.
You
might think that the best way to end this indecision would be
to just come right out and confront him about it, tell him that
you know how he feels about you, and that you feel exactly the
same. But this strategy would be unlikely to work. When a person
is already feeling conflicted and anxious about something which
they think might be regarded by society as ‘wrong’
or ‘unnatural’, the last thing they want to discover
is that other people are aware of it. Right now, your judo partner
thinks he’s playing it safe, keeping it cool, and that
prevents him from getting too freaked out about stuff. By flirting
with you and then backing off, he gets to enjoy all the pleasure
of foreplay without ever having to confront the real issue:
his homosexuality (or maybe even bisexuality).
So how should
you handle him? Not by letting things continue as they are, that’s
for sure—that would prove disastrous for both of you. Your mate
needs help to accept and enjoy his sexual preference, and you can
provide just this kind of support in a number of different ways,
all of which rely on the same basic principle: subtle provocation.
Here are some
suggestions for you to try out. The next time you and your partner
are grappling, take the initiative a little. Rough up his hair a
bit. Pull him between your legs in exactly the same way he does
you. Wrap him up in a tate-shiho-gatame every bit as secure as the
one he caught you in last time you sparred. And then, when you have
him totally under control, whisper in his ear just like he did,
only say something like, ‘So you like this hold, huh?’
or ‘Is this a good move?’ When he answers yes (trust me,
he’s hardly going to say no), ask him why, or if there’s
some way you could make it better, or whether there are any other
techniques he’d like to have you try on him. This could well
provide the breakthrough you’ve been looking for—if he tells
you what he likes, and you make it happen, he’ll grow more
relaxed, and when he grows more relaxed... bingo!
Another way
to up the ante would be to engage in some no-gi groundwork, where
the two of you only wear your judogi trousers. For most gay judoka,
this kind of grappling constitutes what’s commonly referred
to as ‘erotic judo’, and should greatly increase the chances
of this guy’s giving in to his body’s demands for sexual
satisfaction. After all, he’s been pursuing you for a month—just imagine how horny this poor bloke must be by now!
The last thing
you might try is the one to use if all else fails. Again, it involves
you taking the bull by the horns, but I think both you and
the bull will thank me for it in the end. What you do is wait till
the very end of the session and then, while you’re still on
the mat, say something like, ‘Wow, that was a tough workout.’
Listen carefully to his reply. If he nods and says, ‘Yeah—I’m aching all over’, or words to that effect, then you
need to pluck up your courage and offer to help him out with a massage.
If you feel uncomfortable using the word ‘massage’, say
something like, ‘I’m a pretty good physiotherapist,’
or even something as simple as, ‘Here—turn over’.
If he hits you
with that other reply, the reply that pushes you away, the reply
that warns you not to get closer, not to move in, then it’s
probably curtains in terms of you getting it on. If you’ve
already tried all the other options—conversation, demonstration,
skin-on-skin contact—and now this as well, then I’m afraid
you’ll just have to accept the fact that this is one guy whose
company you simply can’t afford to keep any longer. It just
isn’t healthy to maintain a relationship built on confusion
and sexual anxiety, so the best thing for you to do would be to
let this guy go, at least for now. In time, he might finally get
to grips with his feelings for you, but if he doesn’t, at least
you won’t still be lusting after someone who can’t reciprocate
your emotions.
I really hope
that this advice proves useful to you; please let me know how everything
works out. And remember, however hot the guy, however studly the
muffin, if he isn’t right for you, he isn’t right. Plenty more fish in the sea, yeah?
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I
have never written to anybody like you before, but I have
read the answers you gave to other people’s problems
and I thought that they were really helpful, so I am sending
you this message to see if you can help me out as well. My
problem is that I think my training partner is coming on to
me, but I am not really sure, so I don’t want to let
him know that I am very attracted to him because he might
turn out to be straight and tell everyone that I am gay.
